Throwing in the towel

Ok. So, I've been struggling with a few weighty things these past several months.

Is it okay to be totally honest with God about my feelings toward Him? I mean, He knows already, right? He knows I'm angry, confused, empty and brokenhearted. He knows that I'm sick of the masquerades, disguises, pretending ~ the pretense ~ Blah!

I'm so tired of it all. And maybe he is too. He's about as real as it gets, right? So, why do we constantly fall into the trap of keeping up appearances? If I can't get real with God and with myself then who in this entire world can I be real with?

I had reached a point where I not only didn't trust Him, I didn't believe that He even cared. A careless God made me angry beyond anything else especially after I put my whole life into Him and He failed me. Yes, I truly believed that He failed me. These are the thoughts and feelings that I've been struggling with. It's crazy, isn't it. But there it is.

I've always thought that when everyone else fails and deserts you that He would be the one that remains. People are fleeting ~ God is not. And maybe this small belief is the only thing that has remained and has kept me from walking away from Him entirely. I can't say for sure.

But I know this:

I can no longer do the dance. I will no longer do the dance. No more pretense, falseness and plain old hypocrisy. No more pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside. It's gross and I can't take it anymore. No more being angry at God for nothing. I've made my peace. I couldn't go one more day with this constant ache inside.

So there I am, throwing in the towel. And I have a funny feeling, deep within me, that God is happy about that decision. I know that I am. I can already feel a shift. I can't explain the shift yet but it's there. It has presented itself as something that I know rather than something that can be articulated and interpreted but maybe the explanation will be revealed a little later.

But for now, I'm ready to trust God again. And that's all I have. I'm ready to trust Him again and nothing more. It's that simple.