Seek and you will find... It's true.

Yesterday I happened upon a program of Joyce Meyers. Although I no longer believe as they (Word of Faith) do and I now know it's all twisted, I still stopped and listened for about 10 minutes. Why? I have no clue, except that she said something to the effect of... stop trying to be perfect on the outside while your miserable on the inside. That's my loose translation of what I heard her say.

I guess it just goes to show that God really can use anyone because He used her to help me to understand more of what I've been struggling with (explained in the last post).

As I listened to her explain how ugly she was on the inside while trying to be "spiritual" on the outside, I began to understand just how really ugly that was.

When Jesus talked to the religious people, He told them they were like pretty painted tombs on the outside but they were literally dead and rotting on the inside. Again ~ my loose translation of Matthew 23:27.

But I began to see that even though I wasn't trying to be "religious" or "spiritual" anymore, I was still dead and rotting on the inside and that was my constant pain. Something that I couldn't outrun or hide from, even though I was trying hard to do so.

And then, as if that wasn't enough of a revelation for one day. I went to the site of Dave Burchett and read this post.

Intrigued, I went to the free download and listened to this man describe my life. I laughed and cried and felt in awe of a God that could put up with the likes of me.

I can't say it better than he did so please go get the free download.

I immediately ordered his book from his website and am very excited to read it.

Throwing in the towel

Ok. So, I've been struggling with a few weighty things these past several months.

Is it okay to be totally honest with God about my feelings toward Him? I mean, He knows already, right? He knows I'm angry, confused, empty and brokenhearted. He knows that I'm sick of the masquerades, disguises, pretending ~ the pretense ~ Blah!

I'm so tired of it all. And maybe he is too. He's about as real as it gets, right? So, why do we constantly fall into the trap of keeping up appearances? If I can't get real with God and with myself then who in this entire world can I be real with?

I had reached a point where I not only didn't trust Him, I didn't believe that He even cared. A careless God made me angry beyond anything else especially after I put my whole life into Him and He failed me. Yes, I truly believed that He failed me. These are the thoughts and feelings that I've been struggling with. It's crazy, isn't it. But there it is.

I've always thought that when everyone else fails and deserts you that He would be the one that remains. People are fleeting ~ God is not. And maybe this small belief is the only thing that has remained and has kept me from walking away from Him entirely. I can't say for sure.

But I know this:

I can no longer do the dance. I will no longer do the dance. No more pretense, falseness and plain old hypocrisy. No more pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside. It's gross and I can't take it anymore. No more being angry at God for nothing. I've made my peace. I couldn't go one more day with this constant ache inside.

So there I am, throwing in the towel. And I have a funny feeling, deep within me, that God is happy about that decision. I know that I am. I can already feel a shift. I can't explain the shift yet but it's there. It has presented itself as something that I know rather than something that can be articulated and interpreted but maybe the explanation will be revealed a little later.

But for now, I'm ready to trust God again. And that's all I have. I'm ready to trust Him again and nothing more. It's that simple.